dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
