Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
