This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
