I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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