3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
We're like a lot better than the average bears
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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