If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
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