I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
