At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i need some magic done to my vagina
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
