Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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