I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
