So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
