Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
