When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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