how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
