Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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