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Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
