my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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