i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
