One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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