I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
