My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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