I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
