I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
