Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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