Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
