I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Houston, we have a squirter
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
