i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
