Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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