I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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