i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
