Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
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You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
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I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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