I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
