He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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