you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
