Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
