Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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