Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
