he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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