I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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