What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
