those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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