3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
