You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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