when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
