At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize