So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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