Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
