Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm always down for nudity.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
