Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
