In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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