I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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