my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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