Kiss
Puke
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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